How to Be the Best Listener for People You Love - Part 3
Part 3/3
Photo by Godisable Jacob
Bodies & Energy
TL;DR
Part 1: The Scene & First Contact
Set the scene
Do non-dominant eye gazing
Employ matched breathing
Drop listening filters
Ask critical thinking questions
—> Part 3: Bodies & Energy
Understand emotional body resonance
Use body language
Do energetic looping
Your body, not your ears, is your most important listening instrument. Being in touch with your body and how to read what messages it’s receiving will give you more data than your ears ever fucking will. There are millions of body and energy signals being exchanged during a conversation, and most people don’t even are not even aware – much less able to decode them.
Have you ever met someone and just had a bad feeling about them? Maybe you didn’t really know why, but you really knew you didn’t want to be around them again? That’s your subconscious instincts at play trying to protect you. Keep reading to learn a few tips to better connect with the energy that is being exchanged in conversation.
Be sure to check out Part 1 and Part 2 to learn even more Jedi listening skills.
If you put in the time, you will learn that listening is a gift that few people know how to give. It’s a gift you can give everyone you meet. It’s free.
Emotional Body Resonance
Photo by Matheus Bertelli
When you are listening to someone, a flood of information is being emitted from them, far exceeding the words you are hearing. Research shows that less than half of communication during a conversation is verbal. Subliminal messages are being sent to you via body language and energy emanations.
Your subconscious and body are aware of these messages, even if your thinking mind is not. You get feelings, old body patterns get triggered, and chemicals get released in response to cues you might not even be aware you are picking up. There is a vast amount of information going back and forth in every conversation that most of us are oblivious to.
It’s exciting to me that emotional intelligence and body intelligence are both skills that can be learned. With instruction, time, and practice, you can learn to pick up on these communications by tuning into your body and noticing. You can even learn to sense what other people are feeling and change your body posture or energy emanation to send messages to their subconscious, or primal self. The most simple example; smiling at someone is received as a message of friendliness.
Gut feelings, woman’s intuition, and spider-sense are all real things, even if science has not caught up with ways of measuring them yet. You’ve all heard stories of furry woodland creatures running for safety days before a volcano erupts, or hours before a tsunami hits. The animals know because they are more connected with the wisdom in their bodies. Your body, like your brain, is just another source of input when making decisions. Most of us had access to this “supernatural” gift as a child but lost it growing up in this fucked-up modern urban world.
Think back to a time when you had a bad feeling about something that you were not a full-body yes to, and yet you did it anyway. How did that turn out for you?
Body sensations can show up as a sinking feeling in your gut, a tenseness in your back or face, a lightness in your chest, a tingling in your fingers, or a familiar sensation from your past. Shivers down your spine, your hair standing up, or a rush of warmth are feelings to pay attention to in your body. As are a tightening of your butt, a leaning away, a slumping of shoulders, or a headache. All those are messages from your body about the current situation.
Over time with trial and error, you will learn to associate body sensations with meaning. It may take years to learn to trust the messages from your body over the thoughts of logic from your brain. And, that’s okay 💛. Today is a perfect day to start learning to listen with your body.
Subconscious Communication
Body Posture
Photo by roberto carrafa
Your body posture invites specific responses from the subconscious of your conversation partner. The way you hold your body and the gestures you make have a massive impact on how open and safe they feel. Think about how the different teachers you’ve had over the years, and what their posture was when they taught. Did they stiffly stand behind a podium? Were they more the type that leaned against a desk, lazily holding a piece of chalk in their hand? Maybe they walked around the classroom making big gestures and giving moving speeches that shook you to your fucking core.
You felt different around different teachers based on their body posture, right? It’s an art and a science. Most people who have not studied communication styles aren’t even aware of how their posture affects how people listen to them, and how people speak to them.
Some people just have natural talent. They started talking in their instinctive posture one day, and people listened. People told them they were so easy to listen to and fantastic teachers, and so those naturally-gifted folks just rolled with it. However, that natural body posture doesn’t just happen to everyone; sometimes, you have to fucking work at it.
Body postures can be open and closed. Passive and aggressive. Strong and weak. Knowing what types of body postures communicate what messages to the speaker or listener’s subconscious mind are an excellent place to start.
Below are some common messages sent with body posture, which will help you make meaning from your listening partner’s posture as well. Their subconscious will pick up on signals your body posture is sending even if their conscious mind does not.
Photo by Ken Ozuna
Disengaged, disinterested or unhappy
A blank facial expression or minimal expressions
Turning your body away, like a shoulder dropping back and away
Not making eye contact
Arms folded in front of the body
Hands in pockets
Legs crossed
Photo by David Fagundes
Bored
Slumped in your chair
Head looking down
Downcast facial expression
Gazing off into the distance or looking at something else
Squirming, messing with clothes, or fidgeting with things like phone
Visibly doodling
Photo by Anna Shvets
Dishonest
Touching your face, nose, mouth
Messing with hair
Shifting eyes left and right
Hiding your eyes or mouth
Grooming gestures
Photo by Craig Adderley
Uncomfortable with the topic of conversation
Blinking too much
Wringing hands
Looking down
Fidgeting
Photo by David Kuko
Aggressive or dominating
Hands on hips
Pointing
Wagging finger
Chin up and head cocked
Thrusting jaw
Flaring nostrils
Puffing chest
Clenching fists
Photo by David Kuko
Open and safe
Relaxed but not slouching
Upright posture
Hands at your sides
Gesture with hands open near sides
Palms up to indicate open and accepting of energy
Remain calm and still when listening to emotional topics
Relaxed, open facial expression
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio
Sincere and engaged
Eye contact
Holding gaze for a few seconds at a time
Arms slightly open and uncrossed
Leaning in a bit
Nod your head, try to do it in sets of three nods
Briefly tilt head to the side to indicate something was interesting by literally giving them an ear
Photo by cottonbro
Thinking
Briefly touch your chin like the “Thinker” statue
Place a palm on your cheek and look up
These, and many more, body postures are ways to communicate when listening. Paying attention to body postures as a way to communicate will open up an entirely new game to play. Try out some of these and test the results for yourself! I’d love to hear about what you learn in the comments below ⇩⇩⇩.
Photo by Bran Sodre
Mirroring and Matching
Once you know a few body postures and how they affect communication, you can choose to send different messages. You will unlock the art and science of mirroring and matching.
Mirroring is similar to copying their postures, but it's not the same as mimicking. It is noticing what type of posture your conversation partner has and then choosing the appropriate posture to invite the subconscious to open up more.
Now you are getting into the art of listening. You may have a natural instinct for this, or it may take lots of trial and error. Play, have fun, and explore with willing partners to prepare for new people.
If your listening partner is displaying an aggressive body posture, try on an open/safe posture in response. Try to meet their clenched hands on hips with an upright and open posture with hands relaxed at your sides palms towards them. What happens?
If they are sending you cues, they are disinterested, what happens if you adopt an engaged posture? Try meeting their downcast gaze by leaning in and nodding your head in sets of three to essential points they are making? What changes in them when you do?
What happens when you match your breath to theirs - and then gradually increase your breathing rhythm to inhale for longer than you exhale?
In every interaction with another person, there are multiple conversations going on at the same time. Conscious, subconscious, and primal communications are being sent back and forth. For most people, they are only consciously aware of the words being said. They are not aware of how they are being affected by everything that is not the words - everything that is not the words is actually the most important part of the conversation.
With practice, a whole new world of communication will open up to you.
Photo by Mustafa ezz
Focus, Attention and Energy Management
Around this point of reading, you might be wondering what the fuck you should be doing while the other person is talking. If you aren't thinking about what you will say next or interrupting with ways to “solve” the other person's problem, then what are you doing exactly?
You are being present.
“Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help them to empty their heart.”
If you do not have a presencing practice like meditation, yoga, jogging, or tai chi, this step might take an investment to get good at. There is nothing to be done; this step is not about doing; it is about being. It's about how to be in intense presence with another person, to really see them.
When you listen to another, I invite you to become very present. Following the steps above will prepare you for entering deep presence with another. If you have a meditation practice, then you may be familiar with that deep sense of presence you sometimes get during a long meditation. It's the point where the line between you and the universe blurs. You are connected to your oneness, and by divine-design, connected to the oneness of all life.
Get present to the non-duality of you, the universe, and another.
From this place, you can listen. You can listen to their body, mind, emotions, and spirit. You are open to hearing on all levels they are communicating with. When you don't know what to say, you simply sink deeper into presence, and the knowledge your perfect response will come to you.
Looping
Photo by Dark Indigo
One of the tools I use when listening was taught to me by my mentor Katie Hendricks. It's called Loop of Awareness, and it allows me to actively be present with myself and another during a conversation. The looping is done by placing my attention on myself, and then on the other person, and then looping the attention back to me.
When first learning this, Katie suggests you practice it like sharing M&M’s as a child; one for you, two for me 😜. One for you, two for me. If you do this, you may find you not only are more connected with the other person, but you have more energy at the end of the conversation than at the beginning.
With practice, your attention will begin to form a loop from you to others as you are with them. You can loop with yourself, a person speaking, and everyone else in the room, all while being totally present to what is going on around you and attentive to the person speaking. It’s a craft that will continue to develop over a lifetime, and may morph with other tools you learn along the other way.
Over time, you may even discover that listening becomes a form of meditation.
What next?
Find Some to Listen To
The author - Jason Hanson
If you have not already, check out Part 1 & Part 2, download my Top 7 Listening Hacks, and buy my partner activity How to Listen Without Words.
Learning to be a bad-ass listener is a skill that takes years to learn, and a lifetime of practice. Each new person contains a unique opportunity to learn and grow your listening skills. If you want to be a better communicator, if you want to connect deeply to people earnestly, if you desire to be surrounded by people who see you, and you them, just listen.
Just fucking listen.
xo
—Jason
Tell me how you use YOUR body to communicate in the comments below ⇩⇩⇩.
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Further Reading
Reference: https://steemit.com/life/@setareh/understanding-body-language-picking-up-on-people-s-nonverbal-signals