Saturday, September 4, 2021 - 850 AM

I painted on Thursday. I was in the studio and I painted something I had been working on my iPad about for a couple of days. It started as an idea from my list of big paintings for “Faces of Kink” series. I had one of the painting themes set to be a trans man with a rainbow dildo. It ended up not being that. Instead, it was a love letter to my inner artist child Samantha. My coaching friend Be’erit gave me a toss on the issue of “My creativity is blocked” that I’ve been ignoring Samantha. Which I have. I was traveling for about four weeks and then I took a couple of weeks off in depression.

Be’eit commented something about how she was off fucking other people while I’d been ignoring her. So, I painted this giant rainbow dildo as a “make up card” for her. To entice her back and let her know I’m sorry for ignoring her. It was pretty scary to post this on IG and FB stories. It is just stories that are up for 24hrs. I noticed that I was too scared to live stream while I painted this. I did record onto the memory card, though. I could make a video of it later.

I still feel blocked. The new workshop that Tim and I are offering has zero people signed up for it after five days of the registration being live. I expected people to sign up. No one has. Marketing is in my zone of incompetence. That’s a story I have and it is a story that is probably true.

I’ll be back at the studio this weekend. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. My gut just dropped out of my stomach. My shoulders tensed up. I felt scared and angry. I felt ashamed and depressed. I thought about going to do ANYTHING but go to the studio. I’m struggling to find my way again after this big break.

Having come this far. I’ve come a full year of painting full-time. I wanted more to show for it. I’m sad that I don’t have more to show. I know. I know. I have high standards. I get that feedback all the time. AND I DO. I have high standards and high expectations. 

Hmm. How can I use my high standards and high expectations to motivate me instead of self -abuse me?

More to come. -J