How to Be the Best Listener for People You Love - Part 1
Part 1/3
Photo by Craig Adderley
Set the Scene
TL;DR
Part 1: The Scene & First Contact
Set the scene
Do non-dominant eye gazing
Employ matched breathing
Drop listening filters
Ask critical thinking questions
Understand emotional body resonance
Use body language
Do energetic looping
A Gift
Photo by Annie Spratt
To be heard is a powerful gift you can give to everyone you meet. We, as humans, have a deep need to be heard. It's part of a broader fundamental human need we all have to see and be seen. When you are heard, really fucking heard, a deep need for connection and intimacy is fulfilled. A relationship with a person who understands you is formed. It’s how you actually give a shit. Bonds of attachment are built with each passing moment of deeper connection you give in the form of deep listening.
For most of my life, I was a shitty listener. I was quick to interrupt and overflowing with unsolicited advice. I had a natural talent for sensing what another person was needing in the moment but got all mixed up into thinking I needed to solve their problems for them. I was really just doing it to avoid solving my own issues and avoid feeling my own feelings of sadness and shame.
When you're able to listen, truly listen, not just listen to their ego, not just listen to their armor, but truly listen and truly see their inner essence, they feel loved. They feel accepted. They feel invited to come out of their shell and be revealed to you.
Just as deep bonds can be built when being listened to, authentically dropping all listening filters, and simply being open and curious to who the person is, creates an equally strong connection by listening. Receiving what the speaker most wants to share, without judgment and desire to control outcomes, is a practice that opens you to receive more love, attention, and abundance in all parts of your life.
Learning to be a good listener is a gift you can cultivate and share with everyone you meet. The more you listen, the more you will be able to understand the people around you. It takes skill, practice, and work to change your old habits and stories. Listening is both an art and science. It takes conscious masculine energy to be attentive, as well as focused and intuitive feminine energy to be connected with the other person. It is a whole body-and-spirit experience.
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
As it turns out, listening is one of my superpowers, a genius of mine, to use the words of Gay Hendricks from The Big Leap. I frequently have people share feedback about my listening and how they feel heard by me, and safe with me. Often, a person has shared the most intimate details of their life before they realize what they are doing and pause, surprised. They sometimes comment on how “I must be a good listener” for them to have opened up so much.
People just want to be fucking heard.
Years ago, my listening was total shit. I would talk over people, was distracted instead of listening, and gave them unsolicited advice before they even finished the first sentence. My New Year's resolution for four years running was to become a better listener, and I’ve continued to practice and learn to listen better for many years since. I'm confident in telling you that listening is a skill you can learn, and it will dramatically change every relationship in your life.
Below are my tips learned from books, blogs, mentors, and experience on ways to be a better listener developed through years of practice. I’ve broken this blog into three parts.
Part 1: The Scene
Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi
So, listening. Where to start?
Location, Location, Location
Photo by Etienne Boulanger
Having some intention around the physical location of where a conversation takes place goes a long way to being a good listener. Take some time and set the stage if you are able. Actively adjust the surroundings, if needed, as they change during the conversation. If the sun moves and starts shining in either of your faces, or if the temperature in the room changes, or if someone starts operating a jackhammer just outside the window, get the fuck out of there. Find a place more conducive to the carrying out of a meaningful conversation.
Find a place where you both can sit or stand comfortably. If sitting, choose a location with comfortable chairs of the same height or adjustable heights. If you are having a negotiation, arrange the chairs so that you are sitting side by side, and what you are negotiating over, literally or figuratively, is equally in front of both of you. If the conversation is about you listening to someone else sharing their story, then sitting where you can look into their eyes is essential.
Remove any obstacles between the two of you like sunglasses, books, computers, phones, and dirty dishes. Any physical object becomes a distraction to the expression of your voice, gaze, and energy. Remove any jewelry, crystals, or protective clothing that might block the energy exchange. If comfortable, ask your conversation partner to do the same. If you are in a place that allows for it, burn some sage at the entrance to the room or around the area where the conversation is taking place—light a candle to burn away bad energy and invite the spirit of renewal into the room.
When your conversation partner arrives, welcome them by looking at them in the eye. Smile. Invite them into the space you have prepared for the conversation.
Photo by Joshua Rondeau
Window to the Soul
“To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.”
One of the first things I do when sitting down to a conversation is to check the other person's hands and wrists. I'm looking for rings, watches, bracelets, anything on the hands or wrists. Most right-handed people tend to wear their watches and other accessories on their left. A big decorative ring on the right hand and watch on the wrist, usually indicates they are left-handed. This is one of the most important things I do in the first 30 seconds of the conversation. The second being learning the color of their eyes.
Why?
I need to know if they are left or right-handed, so I know what eye to stare into.
Yes. I'm serious.
This is really important. There are four places to look when having a conversation with someone; their mouth, dominant eye, non-dominant eye, or third eye. All have different benefits.
Photo by Ade Prasetyo
Non-dominant Eye
The non-dominant eye is the best first choice, but you need to know if they are left-or-right handed, or ambidextrous, before you use this tactic. More often than not, a person's non-dominant eye is on the same side as their non-dominant hand. When you stare into someone's non-dominant eye, you convey a sense of openness and safety. You are inviting them to lean in and tell them it's okay to be vulnerable. You are signaling that you're listening. You are opening space. For most people, this is their left eye. Try these tests to find your non-dominant eye.
Third Eye
The third eye is the next best place to focus your gaze in most situations. Sometimes you don't know their eye dominance. Sometimes staring into their eye is too emotionally overwhelming, and you need to look away. Staring into their third eye is an excellent choice because it indicates you are listening and attentive.
Mouth
When you are in a loud environment, or the person you are listening to has a timid voice, it's best to focus on their mouth. It signals that you care deeply about each utterance leaving their lips. When they are saying something significant, and you want to signal that you're listening to their exact phrasing, it’s another excellent time to focus on their lips. Doing so puts a laser focus on their words and the content of what they are saying. It's a less intimate choice, however, and does not open as much space as third-eye or non-dominant eye staring, and it’s still a solid choice.
Dominant Eye
When staring into someone's dominant eye, you are attempting to exert power over them. It is aggressive and confrontational. It’s not a good choice to signal that you are an open listener. This choice is useful when being bullied or listening to someone who is attempting to assert power over you. It sends subconscious messages that you are powerful and will stand your ground.
Image by Alexas_Fotos
The Color of Eyes
The reason the second thing I check is about eye color is really very simple. When meeting someone, especially for the first time, I want to connect with them and make an imprint so I'm more likely to remember their name and face. Taking the 2-3 seconds, it requires to learn the color of their eyes is a simple practice I use so that I remember to pause and connect with the person instead of jumping right into communicating using words.
The eyes really are the window to the soul. With practice, and when you are internally clear, staring deeply into another’s eyes will be your most natural way of connecting deeply.
Matched Breath
After you have synced your eyes with your listening partner, it’s time to deepen the connection with your breathing. Breathing matters. Your breath and the breath of everyone around you has a measurable impact on your internal state.
If you’ve ever hyperventilated, you are probably aware, the way in which you breathe affects how you feel. The amount of oxygen, carbon dioxide, and other gases present have a profound effect on your blood chemistry, the feelings in your body, and the thoughts in your head. Your entire mood can change based on the way you breathe.
Healthline.com describes hyperventilation in this way:
Healthy breathing occurs with a healthy balance between breathing in oxygen and breathing out carbon dioxide. You upset this balance when you hyperventilate by exhaling more than you inhale. This causes a rapid reduction in carbon dioxide in the body.
Low carbon dioxide levels lead to narrowing of the blood vessels that supply blood to the brain. This reduction in blood supply to the brain leads to symptoms like lightheadedness and tingling in the fingers. Severe hyperventilation can lead to loss of consciousness.
Source: Hyperventilation: Causes, Treatments, and Prevention
Your breath has a powerful effect on your body, mind, and mood. Not only that, the way you are breathing also sends subconscious messages to people around you. If you’ve been around a person who is hyperventilating due to high stress, you probably have noticed it rubbing off on you and others. That shit is contagious. Conscious control of your breath can change not only your mood but the mood of your listening partner too.
With a couple of simple practices, you can make yourself more open to the other person and allow them the space to feel comfortable to share and be vulnerable with you. It takes practice and a bit of feeling silly at the start. I invite you to give it a try and measure the impact for yourself.
Photo by nappy
How-to Breathe When Listening
When we speak, we are breathing out. When we pause, we're breathing in. A great way to connect with someone who is speaking is to match your breath to theirs. Do this by peripherally observing the rise and fall of the belly or chest. Hot tip: don’t stare at their chest while doing this, keep your eyes fixed as described above.
Notice when the other person is speaking and when they pause. As they speak, they are breathing out. As they pause, they are breaking in.
Match your exhale to their exhale.
Match your inhale to their inhale.
On a subconscious level, the other person will feel more listened to, and both of you will feel a deeper connection. When we inhale and exhale we are moving energy around. By matching your breath to theirs you are synchronizing your energies. Matching breath is similar to mirroring body language to offer comfort, safety, and to invite openness.
The more ways you connect with the person you are listening to, the safer they will feel. With safety comes comfortability. Emanating an energy of safety and comfortability for another person creates space for them to fully express themselves. It’s this space that’s the biggest gift - space for another person to be authentically revealed to another human. It’s a gift that most people seldom get in their lives, and you can give it simply by learning to breathe in a new way.
Is There More?
Come back next week for PART 2 in this series and learn what you should be thinking about and saying to build deeper connections. Till then, download my Top 7 Listening Hacks and pick up my partner activity How to Listen Without Words.
xo
—Jason
Do you struggle to keep eye contact during a conversation?
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Further Reading
