How to Be the Best Listener for People You Love - Part 2
Part 2/3
TL;DR
Part 1: The Scene & First Contact
Set the scene
Do non-dominant eye gazing
Employ matched breathing
—> Part 2: Thoughts & Words
Drop listening filters
Ask critical thinking questions
Understand emotional body resonance
Use body language
Do energetic looping
Your Thoughts and Words
Listening is a skill you probably suck at now, and fortunately, you can improve with practice. In Part 1 of this 3-part series on listening I shared how to get the conversation started. In Part 2, I’ll share about what you can choose to have going on in your thoughts, words, and energy to bring you into closer connection with people. If you put in the time, you will learn that listening is a gift that few people know how to give. It’s a gift you can share with everyone you meet.
“Dude, suckin’ at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.”
Listening Filters
I’ve read that in some cultures, it is considered rude to begin speaking immediately after someone else stops. The reason is if you're ready with words to respond to what was being said, you weren't paying attention to what was said. Instead, you were thinking about what you were going to say next. Ponder that. Pretty fucking hard, right?
So, exactly WTF should you be thinking about when someone else is speaking?
“Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”
Well, it’s probably not much of what you are doing now. You are probably listening through filters. Listening filters are a state of mind you are in when you are listening. The work of Gay and Katie Hendricks and Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman suggests a list of listening filters that we all have. A listening filter is a way that you listen for certain words and phrases, and the type of meaning you make make up as the other person talks. A few filters include:
Photo by Kris Lucas
Fixing: You are coming up with solutions to “problems” you are diagnosing while listening.
Knowing: Being impatient while listening because you think you already know everything that is being said
Defending: You listen to defend your ego and let the other person know who they misunderstood you.
Correcting: You want to be right. You are coming up with arguments about how what you are listening to is wrong.
Approval: You listen to hear if the other person likes you and approves of what you are doing or who you are.
Self-Referencing: You hear things being said that relate to you. When you respond, you share something similar from your own life.
Any of those sound familiar? If you are like most people, you had a couple of WTF moments as you read through those filters. For me, I’ve been getting away with the self-referencing filter for years. I was listening and allowing my brain to make connections to things in my life, stories, learnings, skills that I thought would be helpful for the other person to hear. I would sometimes (and still occasionally do) interrupt with a “me too” story.
Why are listening filters so bad? Aren’t they just part of normal conversation? Aren’t all listening filters just part of a healthy discussion?
Actually, no.
When you are listening through a filter, you shut down space and are not connected to the other person as intimately as you otherwise could be. If you have a listening filter up, you have an agenda in the conversation. You are using your brain to THINK instead of listening. You are thinking, planning, reacting, or scheming. You are not listening
Photo by Niño Piamonte
Simply quieting the mind and caring about what someone else is saying is it gift seldom given. When you listen with a filter, you are choosing to be right over being curious. You have an agenda, as evident by your filters. You are not actually present.
When you listen, you don’t need to think. You hear the words; you connect with eyes, body, breath, energy, and auras. You connect with yourself, and you connect with the person speaking. When your mind wanders, you just come back to the conversation and actively listen.
Authentic, conscious listening, the type of listening that people send you a thank you card for after, the type of listening where people later share that they feel safe, open, and like they can tell you anything, the type of listing where you truly see and hear another, is meditation.
True listening is a type of meditation. You quiet the mind. You connect with the breath. You come back to the speaker. You drop all listening filters. You drop all thinking. You are totally present with yourself and with another. You are open and curious about what you are most supposed to learn.
This is what you do when you genuinely listen: you meditate on the essence of the other person and remain open and curious to whatever that message is. There is nothing to do. There is only a need for you to be. Be fucking present.
Being present for another person and genuinely listening to them is the most generous gift you can give.
Photo by Joshua Ness
Keeping the Conversation Going
There comes a time during listening when it’s time to respond with words. If you have been listening without any filters, then your response will not be any of the following.
Photo by Miftah Rafli Hidayat
A way to fix their problem
An attempt to control outcomes
Correcting them
Fleeing from conflict
Sharing a story about how what you heard relates to yourself
Defending your point of view
Seeking their approval
Making them out to be a villain
Your first response should be to read back what they said to you. The best way to do this is to start with the statement “What I hear you saying is…” and repeat back what you heard. End with “Is that correct?” Doing this ensures you are on the same page as them. It also is a mirror to what they are actually communicating.
There have been times when the conversation ends at the first time I share back what I heard. The person has an “Ah-ha” moment and realizes that the story they are telling does not match their thoughts or feelings. They notice the difference between what I heard and what they thought they were communicating about. When this happens, they smile and know exactly what their next action needs to be to shift.
When reading back, you can do next-level shit by breaking out what they are saying into their feelings, needs, stories, and requests – like you would in nonviolent communication (NVC). An example of this might be
“What I hear you saying is that you are angry and that you have a need for safety that is not being met. I hear that your story about the situation is that you will never be safe until John explains why he is behaving in that way. Is that right?”
If you are not able to read back what you are hearing because you are confused, or you sense there is a deeper issue at play, you can ask questions. Using critical thinking questions will create space for the person sharing to go deeper, and you will look like a bad-ass.
I love the critical thinking questions from Wasisabi Learning. Follow the link for a deep dive.
A few of my favorite critical thinking questions from that list are:
Who is benefiting from this?
What happens when you believe this story?
Where can you get more information?
When is the best time to take action?
Why is this a problem?
How is this similar to situations in your past?
“You’re short on ears and long on mouth.”
Another way to keep the conversation going is chunking. Chunking is when each person in the conversation gets a chance to speak and listen. If one person is doing most of the talking, using a pattern interrupt can break the cycle and lead to a more fruitful conversation. A few ways to do this are:
Say, “I’m noticing that I’m doing most the talking. What is important to you about this issue?”
Raise up your hand and say, “I’m noticing that you are doing most of the talking. Are you willing for me to reflect back on what I’ve heard so far?”
Change your position in the room - or ask to switch spaces with the other person.
Suggest taking a break to do a breathing activity for a few minutes.
Image by dexmac
Chunking makes for a more friendly conversation. If either of you is not coming up for air, the interaction and energy exchange may feel unbalanced. The quality of the connection will decrease if the conversation is unbalanced. Everyone involved will be more susceptible to getting on the drama triangle.
There are many ways to keep the conversation going and ensure the energetic exchange remains balanced and friendly. Giving the other person a chance to respond is chief among them.
Is There More?
The author - Jason Hanson
Come back next week for PART 3 in this series and learn how to use your body, emotions, and energy to be more available and connected in conversations. Till then, Check out PART 1, download my Top 7 Listening Hacks, and pick up my partner activity How to Listen Without Words.
xo
—Jason
What are your listening filters?
Tell me what you think in the comments below ⇩⇩⇩.
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Further Reading
